Da Finger of Doom
by nonedk
Summary: So we all agree that Sauron's finger got cut off, right? But what happened afterwards?...
1. Prolouge

A/N: This story used to have about 20 Chapters all on my PalmTop, but then sadly it broke and I lost all of it. Now I've decided to re-write it. 

Disclaimer: All these people belong to Tolkien and his decedents. I got the inspiration for the Finger of Doom from the Tolkien Sarcasm site, the URL of which I have unfortunately lost. If anyone knows it, please tell me. 

I am also told my sense of humor is an acquired taste so ... just read it and see what you think.   
  
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Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,   
  
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,   
  
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,   
  
One for... ME!   
  


that's right! One all for me! Not for the stupid first finger, saying he's _so_ important 'cause he does all the pointing at people. Not for the stupid middle finger saying he's so much _prettier_ than me, 'cause he's taller. No! One All For Me! The Ring-Finger. Emphasis on RING! That'll show them! I'll show them all! Mwahahahahahahahaha!! 


	2. In the hair of a man

Chapter 1: In the hair of a man.  
  
Stupid Sauron!  
  
Stupid Men!  
  
Stupid Elves!  
  
They just had to go and wage war, didn't they? And now see where they are! All DEAD! except for me of course. Let's leave the finger to do all the work! So here I am, hanging in the hair of that stupid Isildur. Have these men never heard of hairbrushes? Sheesh, you could sustain an entire tribe of Uruks in here and he wouldn't notice! And he's got MY ring hanging around his filthy little neck! But I'll show him! I'll show them all! I'll get my ring back and wreath terror on Middle Earth! Mwahahahahahaha!! 


	3. One fish, two fish

Chapter 2: 1 Fish, 2 Fish....  
  
Stupid orcs!  
  
I mean, I never had anything against orcs! No, they were very usefull and all that---stupid as heck, but usefull. But I'm thinking, i might have to reconsider my opinion of them. Why, you ask? Because I'm on the bottom of the frigging Anduin!! how did i get here you ask? Well I will gladly tell you! So there i was, hanging on to the matt of straw Mr. King of Gondor and Arnor calls his hair, when his little party gets attacked by orcs. And what does the idiot do?? He puts on the stupid Ring! How dumb can you get?? And to top it all off, he jump in the river. The Ring of course is not stupid, so it glides off his stupid finger. I go after it of course. Heck, I'm not gonna stay with Isi while he gets shot.  
  
And so i am here, soaked and slowly moulding. Some fish tried to EAT me! Well, at least I'm with my Ring...my precioussss... 


	4. Slightly less wet

Chapter 3: slightly less wet   
  
Well, the good news is, I'm out of the river.   
  
The bad news is...well, everything else.   
  
For a start, guess what picked the Ring up out of the water? A _Hobbit_ of all things! 

And he almost **left** me at the bottom of the river! I had to wiggle up after him and grab onto his foot-hair. And I can tell you one thing, Hobbit-feet **_smell_**!   
An just when I had gotten some sort of grip, that Smeagol guy comes and _strangles_ him. His _best friend_! Man, these people are evil!   
...I should try and learn something from them. 

Anyway, so Smeagol took the Ring, and i managed to get a good grab of his hair - I think I'm getting the hang of this!   
So you think my precious Ring might have been rusty after all that time in the sea? Not a chance! (well, i know gold doesn't rust, you idiot! that's beside the point) Smeagol went and caused trouble for everyone, so he got kicked out. The Ring's trying to get back to Mordor, y'see? 

This is where the trouble started. Because stupid Smeagol, or Gollum, as he calls himself now (he's a Schizo, I tell you, it's scarry!) didn't go to Mordor, the stupid cretin, nooooo, the sun stung his prious little eyes, so he had to go off and hide in a _cave_! Can you believe it? So here's me, stuck in this..Hobit=thing's hair, while he goes and swimms in a stupid underground lake. 

  
I think I'm starting to mould again.  
It's not a nice feeling, I can tell you.

I sure hope the Rings planning something. If only the stuid idiot didn't _eat_ all the orcs we came across, one of them could maybe get the Ring back. 

Who would want to eat orcs anyway, that's dis-gus-ting!

I sure hope he doesn't find me, or he'll eat me too, and **then** how am I supposed to rule Middle earth? From Gollum's _stomach_?! 

***************  
A/N: almost slipped into the Ring's viewpoint a couple of times there.   
Not the greatest chapter ever, but I promise it'll pick up after this, when we get into the Hobbit and LotR 


End file.
